I asked Emile what my name is at 4am, and he said “armpit” in the middle of his sleep. What’s even stranger is his answer was different every time. I’m glad weirdos attract weirdos because life is a lot less boring with him in it. This is what happens when you are married, all you write about is how bizarre your partner is on his birthday. I’ve used up all the cheesy bits before the wedding.
I don’t always know where I stand
And it’s exhausting.
It always feels liberating when I do what I have to do.
It is even more liberating when I do not have to explain why I do what I have to do.
I freaking love facebook for the ability to customise privacy setting so that only some people can read my posts. seems like the only social platform that allows that.
I invited a friend over for dinner and she brought me passion fruit tea from one of my favourite shops.
This whole night I couldn’t help but feel sad that she’s leaving soon.
We have grown closer the last couple months and she was thrilled when I was finally moving to London.
I will never forget that moment when we kept talking from daylight to pitch black and forgot to turn on any light until we could barely see each other’s expressions..
Don’t go. I love you.
A year ago today my husband and I had our wedding in England, and no it has not been happily ever after if that is what you wanted to hear.
When people heard our story, they all seemed shocked and amazed.
But it was not a fairy tale. There is no fairy tale (not in this world at least).
I realised it even more so this past year.
It all rewinded back to 2018 Summer after our honeymoon, I came back to England to lots of worries, uncertainty and self doubt.
I started applying for jobs which mostly turned me down.
At the same time, I had to wait 2 months for the government to decide if I could continue staying in England or not.
I was so sad and bored that I just wanted to do something meaningful.
This hospital accepted me so Emile and I decided to move 2 hours away to Maidenhead for the position.
Emile wanted to change his job so we thought it was a good time to move away.
Shortly after I started the new job, I found out I was completely misled and lied to even though they knew my husband and I moved all the way there for the position.
It felt like a heartbreak considering it was my first proper job in England.
I felt angry and bitter everyday while I tried to find something else.
I could not believe I was back in that horrible process of job hunting AGAIN putting on a fake smile telling every employer how great I am and how great they are even when I did not mean it.
At the same time Emile was facing a dilemma of choosing company.
It was difficult to decide because we wanted to find a potential home to settle down without wasting our lives feeling miserable for an hour and half after work on the train.
With two people, it takes significantly longer time, greater effort and luck to find two jobs in the same area.
Eventually London was where we both got lucky (surprise surprise).
Then it was the home hunting that caused high intensity stress and faster aging (I have proof of ever-growing gray hair).
The process was something I would never want to go through again if I could.
We had lots of issues specifically with the estate agent and the bank.
I lost trust in human beings faster in a month than I had done my entire life before the home purchase.
My purpose of this article is not to complain, but to be honest about the chaos prior to March 2019.
I was so happy and thrilled when I first moved to London.
I tried to take advantage of the city by doing fun things and inviting people over.
Until a few weeks ago, I became extremely low. I’ve been like this for years when depression hits randomly but it was particularly bad this time.
I woke up everyday asking myself: what is the point of life? we are all doing to die.
Normally I do not tell anyone except for Emile because I feel guilty.
In the back of my mind there is this voice saying: how can you say this when you are living your dream?
I was skeptical about therapy because from my previous experience, it did not help me much.
But this time I am actively looking for one as I have never done it in the UK and I would not know until I try it.
On Saturday, Emile and I went to Tedx London which provided much positive energy that I lacked and was desperate for.
One speaker Shocka was promoting self love.
He said, “If nobody wants to talk to me, I’ll talk to myself.”
That particularly stood out to me.
I can always talk to myself. How cool is that?
I am my own friend.
and I am reminding myself of all the incredible things over the past year since the wedding:
-Although the bad job was real bad, the timing opened doors to jobs we enjoy and a city we never get bored of.
-It was during that second job hunt when I motivated myself to attend workshops about autism.
-When I went abroad, I genuinely looked forward to returning to London because for the first time in 10 years, I felt like coming “home.” I’m extremely grateful for my family who helped make this dream a reality. It is in an area where when I walk out of my flat, I can see people of all races and restaurants of various cuisines.
-Even though Emile and I argue, we tell each other honestly what is wrong. I love that we try and take time to reflect on things, admit when something is wrong and apologise. Tonight we asked each other what we appreciated of each other the past year. I said Emile is the most patient person I know. I honestly do not even have 30% of his patience and I do not understand how he does it but he does and it is amazing. He said I am a critical thinker which made me happy because nobody ever said that about me. Remembering sweet little things he did also helps me appreciate him. When we nearly ran out of milk and there was only enough for one coffee, he drank black coffee so I could have it with milk even though we both prefer it with milk.
Tedx also reminded me that everything and every story has multiple sides and they co-exist. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad.
“When bad things happen to you, you quickly go from being a person to being just a sad story. I know from experience that nobody wants to be a sad story, and that no matter what you’ve been through, your story is always so much more than just sad. And your happy stories are more than just happy. Obviously, everything is more complicated than it appears on Instagram. But it is incredibly difficult to live with complicated. It is even more difficult for other people to deal with complicated.” -No Happy Endings by Nora McInerny
This book inspired me to write this poem the other day:
When I was young
I was not told how to prepare for the unexpected
people around me were not told how to prepare for me
when the rhythm went off
and I was gone
they assumed it was temporary
waited for me to be merry
my inconsistency was inconvenient
not as much for me as it was for everyone else
they were used to my bright side
consistent and predictable
but I did not get to choose my sunshine all year round
my friend did not get to choose to be around
at least now I know
happiness does not exist in the absence of sorrow
Bates motel is crazy.
It’s so crazy that it gives meaning to my life.
alton towers was nice
it cheered me up
and sweet people
i should see people more often
Today when I woke up,
I felt extremely low.
When I told someone,
they asked me why.
I told another person,
they also asked me why.
I could not tell you.
It hits randomly but sometimes it is worse than the others.
I cancelled a plan.
and then I felt bad that I did.
I started questioning the purpose of life, the purpose of me, my own worth, my past, my presence and my future.
Two friends who live in two different countries randomly told me they missed me while all of these thoughts were happening in my head.
I was surprised.
It felt as if they knew I was struggling.
but I also felt sad again knowing they are too far to come to me now.
I don’t know who to tell here in England other than my husband because nobody else knows what happened to me.
I don’t know who I can tell here because nobody seems to know this part of me.
Who has time for this?
Who can be here for me?
I honestly don’t know because I am scared to know.
A lot of people I’ve met are nice to me, but I don’t want to pour out to everyone if our friendship is not going anywhere.
I feel particularly lonely today.
Depression is not wanting to be lonely but also not having the energy to get ready or go out.
and it sucks because I am fucking depressed.
Constantly dealing with people is exhausting. Even if the encounter is short.